Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Top Ten Worst Friends on Facebook

Ah, the wonders of social networking! You can chat with your kindergarten buds and catch up with your cross country cousins. You can keep everyone in your circle in the loop about what's new in your world. You can even plant imaginary crops and help your real friends with their virtual farms. Yes, it's all fun and games until one of your peeps posts their twenty-eighth cat picture this month or pokes you for the fifty-second time today and leaves you frantically searching for the unfriend button. We all have them. Hell, we might even be them. Here are my top ten picks for the worst Facebook friends.

The Overly Stressed - Sad face! This bad news bear lives by the motto "If you don't have anything nice to say, write it on Facebook!" Even the mildest of bad days send him spiraling into the deepest of depressions. And, since it's never healthy to keep those emotions bottled up, he lets loose on Facebook and you get to (extra! extra!) read all about it.

The Overly Blessed - Haven't you heard? Church isn't just for Sundays anymore! This friend is waking up and working out with capital H-i-m and she can't wait to tell you about it. Your wall runneth over with her abundance of blessings and, although you may also love the Lord, you totally want to snuff out her this-little-light-of-mine.

The Love Bird - She loves him. She loves him not.  One day, she's posting pix of her new beau and the next, she's switching her relationship status back to single. She's stuck on the love rollercoaster and, unfortunately, you get to go along for the ride via posts that read like a bipolar romance novel.

The Tweeter - With so many sites in our favorites list, it's easy to make a bookmark blunder. While attempting to fly on over to Twitter, this poor friend has crash landed onto Facebook and filled your news feed with short frequent bursts of text. It's all there. Every thought. Every move. Every second of every day. In 150 characters or less.

The Poster Poster - Just because a picture is worth a thousand words, it doesn't mean one should use them in lieu of every communication. This friend expresses himself through inspirational quotes affixed to photos of soaring eagles and the occasional ill-mannered e-card. You just wish he'd [cute cat covering its mouth picture] already.

The Out-of-State Event Inviter - Who? You! When? One week from today! What? The most awesomest party ever! Where? Some tiny town in a state that, much like sasquatch, you've heard of but never seen with your own eyes because it's just too far away to even care about. While you're completely flattered, you're also confused by your friend's invitation to a soire that you'd have to spend your entire life's savings to attend.

The Poke Master General - Rain or shine, this friend is delivering a plethora of pokes straight to your inbox. You send back a courtesy poke only to discover that yet another poke has been sent to you at express mail speed which leaves you wondering, "Where the hell did Zuckerberg put the 'Return to Sender' button?!?"

The Sir Likes-A-Lot - We all secretly love watching that number near the thumbs-up icon grow and grow as our friends become admirers of our posts and status updates. All this admiration takes on a peculiar vibe, however, when you notice that one particular friend has liked every one of your posts... and all of your mutual friends' posts... and even each of his own posts. Is there anything that he UNlikes??

The Entree Enthusiast - Breakfast may be the most important meal of the day, but this friend believes every feast is special in its own way. And as such, she's seen fit to share her every eating experience with you by way of three square photos a day.  Bon appetite buddy!

The Tag Me In Guy - Everyone loves a good game of tag - except when that game involves the constant documentation of your precise geographical location and super embarrassing photos.  This pal is chronicling every adventure you share with accompanying pictorial evidence.  Last week's Starbucks run. That impromptu trip to TJ you took without your significant other. And of course the day you puked after the mile run with your crossfit class. The bright side of all this? You'll always have an alibi!

<3 n